Tim Minchin Ten Foot Cock & A Few Hundred Virgins Lyrics

So you’re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins

So you’re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you’re gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down in his shimmering chariot
of salvation
Your gonna be the first to know

Oh-oh-ohh

And so if
God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women
Then he also invented wanking
Then he said wanking was sinning
So now if I’m feeling randy
I’m not allowed to hand shandy
But having sex with my family
That is just f*cking great
It’s all there in Ezekiel 8
Just before he opens up his big pearly gate
And says that it’s a sin
To take it up the date
Even if it’s great
Even with your cowboy mate

Bah-dup-bah-dup
Bah-dup-bahhh
Bup-bah-dah-dah-da-da-da-an-day-aye-ohh

So you’re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you’re gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass
And when the Lord comes down with his shinny rod of
judgement
He’s gonna kick my heathen ass

Oh-oh-ohh

So if you
Cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning
Because black is so slimming
Though it’s not great for swimming
But it gives you an erection
With the increased sexual tension
What with the UV protection
That is second to none
You’ll find it all in the Qur'an
Just next to the bit that justifies guns
And says that it’s a sin
To take it up the bum
Even if it’s fun
Even with permission from your mum

Bah-dup-bah-dup
Bah-dup-bahhh
Bup-bah-dah-dah-da-da-da-an-day-aye-ohh

So you’re gonna live in paradise With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you’re gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity
And when the Lord comes down and I haven't done my
penance
He’s gonna disembowel me

Oh-oh-ohh

You say that
If I
Stumbled on a watch I’d assume it had a watchmaker
That a muffin presupposes a baker
So we must agree sooner or later
This proves there’s a creator
So if I put my foot in a stinker
You’d assume the existence of a sphincter
Thus you don’t need to be a great thinker
To conclude that God’s a bum
Which negates the words of Genesis 1
Which make him out to be so much fun
Until Adam succumbed
To temptation
And then his only son
Got nailed to a gum

Or the Middle East equivalent
Which suggest that God’s omniscience
Is nullified by his ambivalence
Unless it turns out that he’s impotent
And if God can’t get a boner
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in his honor
'Cos we all know a steeple's just a subconscious,
compensatory manifestation, of a huge stiff penis
And still he tell us that it’s heinous
To stick a penis up your anus
Even if you’re famous
Even if you're good at tennis

Bah-dup-bah-dup
Bah-dup-bahhh
Bup-bah-dah-dah-day-day-oh-aye-ohh

So you’re gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you’re gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with his big, stiff,
slippery rod of judgment
I’m gonna be the first to go
He’s gonna send me down below
He’s gonna whip me like his ho
D’ya really think so?
I’m gonna be the first to go