Ivor Biggun Down By The Riverside Lyrics

I had a large explosive sh*t
Down by the riverside
It spread both far and wide
It filled my heart with pride
I sh*t 'til my a*se'ole split
Down by the riverside
The fish and the tadpoles died

And I ain't a-gonna swim in there no more
Ain't a-gonna swim in there no more
'Cause it don't smell the way it did before
It smells like a badger's b*m
It smells just like Birmingham
Or maybe an Egyptian sh*t-house door

I wiped my a*se with leaves and grass
Down by the riverside
Up 'n' down and side to side
All along the great divide
The effluent set like cement
And though I tried and tried
My r*ctum could not be rectified

And I ain't a-gonna swim in there no more
Naked women there no more
And it don't smell the way it smelt before
It smells like a badger's b*m
It smells just like Rotherham
Or maybe an Egyptian sh*t-house door

I fed my t*rds to aquatic birds Down by the riverside
They could not quite decide
If they were cyanide
The ducks went quack and flung 'em back
And 'though I tried to hide
I ended up t*rdified

I ain't a-gonna swim in there no more
It's up to the brim in there I'm sure
And it don't smell the way it smelt before
It smells like a badger's b*m
It smells just like Wimbledon
Or maybe an Egyptian shit-house door

My massive dump made one big clump
Down by the riverside
It drifted with the tide
"Ahoy!" a sailor cried
"Would that be sh*te or the Isle Of Wight
I see on my port side?"
Down by the riverside

And we ain't a-gonna swim in there no more
By that sh*tty shingle shore
'Cause it don't smell the way it did before
It smells like a badger's b*m
It smells just like Birmingham
Or maybe an Egyptian sh*t-house door
And so does the reservoir... phwoooar!