Garfunkel & Oates Handjob Blandjob I Don't Understand Job Lyrics

[Riki] I got a problem and I can't contain it I'll use my icky sticky rhymes to help explain it Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me Robert Stack can't even help me unsolve this mystery

[Kate] I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer Now I got a secret to get off my chest Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest

[Riki] In high school, I was in the marching band Not learning what to do with my hand While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik

[Kate] I'm investigating bones like Deschanel Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick

[Riki] I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off Wouldn't let you touch my chest like you're Vapo rubbing Vicks in Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon

[Kate] I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know How to HJ your LB Johnson Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson

[Riki] I should have explored New Frontiers like Wil Wheaton But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow I wanna give a handjob but I don't know how

Hand job, Bland job I-Don't-Understand job Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop?

[Kate] Now I'm on a full-blown investigation To unlock the secrets of ejaculation I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack
[Riki] The top is the part that confuses me the most It looks like a Silly Putty Pac Man ghost Sometimes it's jello jiggling, sometimes it's denser But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser

[Kate] Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with Shaft When it's soft and flabby like President Taft It's like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight?

Move it like a Shake Weight Move it like a Shake Weight

[Riki] I'm pumping like breaks that aren't anti-lock Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock I go a little faster and then I retard It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze too hard

[Kate] I'm working my hand 'til it gets arthritis I'll be holdin' 'til I get the Golden Touch of Midas "I think, therefore I am"; getting my Descartes on 'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on

[Riki] But the biggest, throbbing question all's Seriously, what do you do with the balls? Do I roll 'em like dice, do I mold them like clay Do I tickle them like Elmo, or throw 'em like a partay?

[Kate] Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow? It's like the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show Just sitting there cranky and superfluous How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist?

Hand job, Bland job I-Don't-Understand job Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? How can I learn when you always make me stop?