GEORGE CARLIN


New News Lyrics

Like to take a look at the news.

Terrorists blow up Central America and leave a note.

A Philadelphia man was arrested today for attempting to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank.

Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood. He had no last words. However, he did make several gestures.

The San Diego freeway was the scene of a freak accident today as six freaks in a camper crashed into three freaks in a van.

The Nobel Prize in Mathematics has been awarded to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is "bleen" which he claims belongs between six and seven.

Medical researchers have discovered a disease which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect and there is no known cure. Fortunately, it is confined to New Jersey.

Archaeologists digging at a site in Iran have discovered the remains of a city which was inhabited by a race of people who had absolutely no skills or tools of any kind. No trace of anything has been found anywhere near the site.

Heart transplants have declined in recent months because of a lack of donors. Many people consider it an imposition.

Hollywood film star Vicky Trick and her husband, Mark Spot, have called it quits today after a 27 minute honeymoon in front of the church.

On the lighter side of the news, here's a Halloween prank that really backfired. It seems that little thirteen year old Danny O'Merta thought it would be great fun to soap all the windows of the cars on his block. He had soaped about seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth one not knowing that the owner of the eighth car, Carl Downing was seated inside. Carl Downing shot Danny in the head four times.

And in Cleveland today, 27 people suffered twelve hours of continuous whiplash when a man claiming to be the Devil hijacked a roller coaster.

And to kind of wind up the news tonight, we take a look at the news hostility scoreboard- find out how we're treating each other around the world. According to the scoreboard,

we got 4 civil wars goin' on right now, 2 brush fire wars 4 vest-pocket wars 9 wars of liberation 2 police actions 16 revolutions 35 rebellions 58 border clashes 21 terrorist bombings 36 retaliatory raids 400 guerrilla operations 95 commando strikes 612 acts of sabotage 237 cease-fire violations 44 surprise attacks 6 outside aggressions 6 internal upheavals 3 protective reaction strikes 10 counterinsurgencies 21 violent disturbances 30 warlike acts 906 hostile incidents 10 arms races 18 deliberate provocations 61 threats to security 9 dangerous escalations 2 military confrontations 6 heightenings of tension 14 heated exchanges 12 belligerent moves 17 reprisals..

3 powder kegs 2 tinder boxes and an ul-ti-ma...tum! Woooooooo!
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Record Label(s): 2007 Laugh com

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