DANE COOK


Heist - Monkey Lyrics

i was talking to this girl the other day and she said
"all guys want is sex"
and i said "listen, finish blowing me, and we are gonna
talk about this...later"...

that's a lie...

i said it because it was funny.
she actually said that she goes "thats all guys,
dane,is sex" and i said to her
"nay..."

i said "theres other things guys want besides sex.
we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but im
putting it out in the universe so you can respect us
for who we are as men"
for example any guy here more than sex if they had the
choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here
would rather be part of a heist!

you know when you watch the movie "Heat" your like "i
wanna do that!"

you just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-
47...

pffffpffffpffff
WHERE'S THE VAN?
pffffpffff
THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
pffffff.

we want that guy whos on a computer and is like
"give me a minute i just need one more minute dude i
need one more minute to hack into the mainframe.
im in frenster they re-routed me into frenster i need a
minute...

WHERE'S THE f**kING VAN! pfffff.

theres always that guy on the team too he was a last
minute replacement hes not one of the original gang but
one of the guys vouches for him
"no no dude trust me this guys cool,
hes solid and hes cool"

but hes not cool is he?

he doesn't really say anything ever right he just
stands there and looks cool, and at one point he might
be like
"let's kill these bitches"
...
i wanna be part of a heist and i wanna get shot here in
the back of my leg...

pow "OW shit!"
it stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool

i keep looking at the blood going
no no no no...bleeding from the leg
WHERES THE VAN!?

We wanna be a part of a heist and than there's
something else that we want even more than the heist
even more than sex any guy here would love to have
a monkey,
a pet monkey
and people get mad and sometimes youd say oh i'd love
to have a monkey and theres always that one anti-monkey
person in the area.
they over hear you "excuse me i heard you saying you'd
like to have a monkey and thats a horrible idea you do
not want a monkey you do not want a monkey"
theyre a monkey expert and they start listing off all
the reasons YOU can't have a monkey
" let me tell you a few things
can i just have a minute can i have a minute
can i just explain a few things about monkeys that
maybe you dont know before you jump to your conclusion?
ok?
its more than just bananas and dancing with tooth
brushes
ok?
first of all they crap in their own hands and they
throw it around in a festive manner
like theyre at a celebration of monkey poop and
they make faces that are unacceptable in society..."
i hear these things and im like
thats why i want a monkey all those reasons!
i dont want a nice quiet monkey
i want an evil monkey that i can dress in armor give
him a sword have fights with him inside my place...
how pumped would you be driving home from work knowing
someplace in your house theres a monkey your gonna
battle!
thats awesome!

you walk in..

ahhh...monkey? you here?
...ahhhh...
where are you?...
im in your closet!...
holy shit you just talked!...
i taught myself to talk!...
this is incredibly odd!
i know lets fight!...
ok...

this would be the ultimate what if after the heist you
jump in the van and the monkey is driving the van..

"GET IN! WE GOTTA GO!
WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!..........

makes me sad cuz i know it'll never happen...

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