Tom Cardy Perception Check Lyrics

[Spoken, DM, unnamed guy, Steve, Tom]
On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. What do you do?
My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and-- that's a One
Critical fail. Steve, what do you do?
Well, I believe in anticipation, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree-- okay, I rolled a One
That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do?
Active Perception Check
...That's a Natural 20
Let's f*cking go

[Verse 1]
I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
These motherf*ckers mean to harm us
And they got to go, so come on, get 'em now!
You picked the wrong day to f*ck around with my
Tight crew, oh ho
There's no escaping it, I can perceive you
And here's what we're gonna do
[Verse 2 - Tom, Unnamed Guy & Steve]
Me and my boys gonna mess you up
I rolled a One
I rolled a One
f*ck

My boys are otherwise engaged
So I'm gonna bring it all myself, hey

[Spoken, Tom, DM]
I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit. So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-- I cast Vicious Mockery. Nat 20, let's go

[Verse 3]
You're a short motherf*cker and
Nobody likes you
SHORT!
Everybody says "Look how f*cking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
And when you were born, everybody thought
That you were just a head, but then the doctor said
"Wait, this stupid muthaf*ckin' tiny short ass
Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it"

[Spoken, DM, Tom]
Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception Check, please
Nat 20, let's go!
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD
It's always a kid
Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better. f*ck, his body's just lying there, right? Right?
Yes...? Don't--
[Verse 4]
Loot that body (Gotta loot that body now!)
Loot that body! (Gotta loot that motherf*cker!)
Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
Bitch