Press Conference Lyrics

[RACHEL]
Hello. Thank you all for coming out today. At this time, I will be holding my weekly press conference for the negative voices inside my head. First question. Yes, you?

[DANNY]
Hi, Danny Giles, negative voice, Whoop-Dee-Doo Times. Uh, what makes you think you're so special? Whoop dee doo.

[RACHEL]
Uh, I actually don't think I'm special. Next question

[KEITH]
Keith Willard, negative voice, Nagging Fears Bugle. Um, who the f*ck do you think you're kidding?

[RACHEL]
You know, I actually feel really good about myself. I have a new album coming out, so yeah, I've met a lot of goals this year.

[KEITH]
Follow-up question: What do you think 13-year-old you would say if she knew that instead of doing Shakespeare in the Park, she's making songs about dicks?

[RACHEL]
I think she'd be really proud of me. Next question

[JACK]
Jack Dolgen, Weight Weekly. Can you confirm rumors from the stomach that all you've eaten today is frosting? [RACHEL]
No comment

[KEITH]
Can you confirm rumors from the clitoris that today you've masturbated four times to the mere thought of a billboard you thought you saw for Hot in Cleveland?

[RACHEL]
Wendie Malick is like a fine wine, not my fault. Next question

[MOTHER]
Rachel, this is your mother with the Disappointing Daughter Sunday Times Magazine. Do you really think you'll ever measure up to your sister and her award-winning chicken restaurant?

[FATHER]
This is your father with the Why the f*ck Are You So Fat Tribune. Why the f*ck are you so fat?

[RACHEL]
I don't know why I'm so fat, Dad!

[GOBBLER SPECIAL]
Rachel, this is the Gobbler Special. The dish at your sister's restaurant that Zagat called, and I quote, "the best piece of chicken I have ever tasted."

[RACHEL]
Yes?

[GOBBLER SPECIAL]
You're a whore

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