Hello. Thank you all for coming out today. At this time, I will be holding my weekly press conference for the negative voices inside my head. First question. Yes, you?
Hi, Danny Giles, negative voice, Whoop-Dee-Doo Times. Uh, what makes you think you're so special? Whoop dee doo.
Uh, I actually don't think I'm special. Next question
Keith Willard, negative voice, Nagging Fears Bugle. Um, who the f*ck do you think you're kidding?
You know, I actually feel really good about myself. I have a new album coming out, so yeah, I've met a lot of goals this year.
Follow-up question: What do you think 13-year-old you would say if she knew that instead of doing Shakespeare in the Park, she's making songs about dicks?
I think she'd be really proud of me. Next question
Jack Dolgen, Weight Weekly. Can you confirm rumors from the stomach that all you've eaten today is frosting?
Can you confirm rumors from the clitoris that today you've masturbated four times to the mere thought of a billboard you thought you saw for Hot in Cleveland?
Wendie Malick is like a fine wine, not my fault. Next question
Rachel, this is your mother with the Disappointing Daughter Sunday Times Magazine. Do you really think you'll ever measure up to your sister and her award-winning chicken restaurant?
This is your father with the Why the f*ck Are You So Fat Tribune. Why the f*ck are you so fat?
I don't know why I'm so fat, Dad!
Rachel, this is the Gobbler Special. The dish at your sister's restaurant that Zagat called, and I quote, "the best piece of chicken I have ever tasted."
You're a whore