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Monty Python Argument Lyrics
Total views: 1 time this week / Rating: 7.25/10 [4 votes]Album: The Final Rip Off / Original Release Date: 1987Genre: ComedySong Duration: 3 min 39 sec
Argument
Monty Python
Monty Python
MONTY PYTHON
- Argument LyricsMan: Eh, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here
before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one
argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, it's one pound for a five-minute
argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps
started of with just the one, and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the
moment. Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit
conciliatory. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, room 12.
Man: Thank you.
He enters room 12.
Mr. Barnard: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr. Barnard: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP
OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
Mr. Barnard: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR
TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED
MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Man: Look, I came here for an argument! I'm not just
going to stand here...
Mr. Barnard: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Man: Oh I see! Well, that explains it...
Mr. Barnard: Aha! No, you want room 12A, just along the
corridor.
Man: Oh...Thank you very much...Sorry...
Mr. Barnard: Not at all!
Man: Thank you. (Leaves)
Mr. Barnard: (under his breath) Stupid git.
The man knocks at the door to room 12A.
Mr. Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr. Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr. Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: I did!
Man: Didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Did!
Man: Didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm telling you, I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr. Vibrating: Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a
five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man: Ah! Just the five minutes.
Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you.
Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not!
Mr. Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear: I
quite definitely told you!
Man: No you did not!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: You didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Did!
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't! It's just contradiction!
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!
Man: It IS!
Mr. Vibrating: It is NOT!
Man: Look, you just contradicted me!
Mr. Vibrating: I did not!
Man: Oh, you DID!
Mr. Vibrating: No no no!
Man: You did just then!
Mr. Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!
Man: I came here for a good argument!
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't, no, you came here for an
argument!
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: CAN be!
Man: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!
Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take
up a contrary position!
Man: Yes but that's not just saying "no it isn't".
Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any
statement the other person makes.
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is!
Mr. Vibrating: Not at all!
Man: Now look...
Mr. Vibrating: (Hits a bell on his desk) [DING] Good
morning!
Man: (stunned) What?
Mr. Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't...
Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue
any more.
Man: WHAT??
Mr. Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll
have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes just now! Oh
Come on!
Mr. Vibrating: (Hums to himself.)
Man: Look this is ridiculous!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue
unless you've paid!
Man: Oh all right. (Pays.)
Mr. Vibrating: Thank you.
Man: Well...
Mr. Vibrating: Well WHAT?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes just now.
Mr. Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue
unless you've paid!
Man: Well I just paid!
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't!
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that!
Mr. Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay!
Man: Ah HAH!! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing???
I've got you.
Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't!
Man: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in
my spare time.
Man: Oh, I have had enough of this.
Mr. Vibrating: No, you haven't.
Man: Oh, shut up!
(He leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes
in)
Man: I want to complain.
Man in Charge: YOU want to complain...look at these
shoes...I've only had them three weeks and the heels
are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about...
Man in Charge: If you complain nothing happens...you
might as well not bother. My back hurts and the middel
of such a fine day and I'm sick and tired of this
office...
(The man exits, walks down the corridor and enters a
room)
Man: Hello, I want to (smack) OHHH!
Spreaders: No, no, no, hold your head like this, then
go 'waaagh'! Try it again.
Man: Woogh!
Spreaders: Better. Better. But 'waaaaagh'! 'Waaaagh'!
Put your hand there...
Man: No!
Spreaders: Now. (Hits him)
Man: Waagh!
Spreaders: Good, good, that's it!
Man: Stop hitting me.
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me.
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes.
Spreaders: Why do you come in here, then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Spreaders: Oh, no, that's next door. It's being hit on
the head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here
before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one
argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, it's one pound for a five-minute
argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps
started of with just the one, and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the
moment. Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit
conciliatory. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, room 12.
Man: Thank you.
He enters room 12.
Mr. Barnard: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr. Barnard: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP
OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
Mr. Barnard: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR
TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED
MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Man: Look, I came here for an argument! I'm not just
going to stand here...
Mr. Barnard: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Man: Oh I see! Well, that explains it...
Mr. Barnard: Aha! No, you want room 12A, just along the
corridor.
Man: Oh...Thank you very much...Sorry...
Mr. Barnard: Not at all!
Man: Thank you. (Leaves)
Mr. Barnard: (under his breath) Stupid git.
The man knocks at the door to room 12A.
Mr. Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr. Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr. Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: I did!
Man: Didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Did!
Man: Didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm telling you, I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr. Vibrating: Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a
five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man: Ah! Just the five minutes.
Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you.
Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not!
Mr. Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear: I
quite definitely told you!
Man: No you did not!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: No you didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: You didn't!
Mr. Vibrating: Did!
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument!
Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't! It's just contradiction!
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!
Man: It IS!
Mr. Vibrating: It is NOT!
Man: Look, you just contradicted me!
Mr. Vibrating: I did not!
Man: Oh, you DID!
Mr. Vibrating: No no no!
Man: You did just then!
Mr. Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't!
Man: I came here for a good argument!
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't, no, you came here for an
argument!
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: CAN be!
Man: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition.
Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take
up a contrary position!
Man: Yes but that's not just saying "no it isn't".
Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any
statement the other person makes.
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is!
Mr. Vibrating: Not at all!
Man: Now look...
Mr. Vibrating: (Hits a bell on his desk) [DING] Good
morning!
Man: (stunned) What?
Mr. Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't...
Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue
any more.
Man: WHAT??
Mr. Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll
have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes just now! Oh
Come on!
Mr. Vibrating: (Hums to himself.)
Man: Look this is ridiculous!
Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue
unless you've paid!
Man: Oh all right. (Pays.)
Mr. Vibrating: Thank you.
Man: Well...
Mr. Vibrating: Well WHAT?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes just now.
Mr. Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue
unless you've paid!
Man: Well I just paid!
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't!
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that!
Mr. Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay!
Man: Ah HAH!! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing???
I've got you.
Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't!
Man: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in
my spare time.
Man: Oh, I have had enough of this.
Mr. Vibrating: No, you haven't.
Man: Oh, shut up!
(He leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes
in)
Man: I want to complain.
Man in Charge: YOU want to complain...look at these
shoes...I've only had them three weeks and the heels
are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about...
Man in Charge: If you complain nothing happens...you
might as well not bother. My back hurts and the middel
of such a fine day and I'm sick and tired of this
office...
(The man exits, walks down the corridor and enters a
room)
Man: Hello, I want to (smack) OHHH!
Spreaders: No, no, no, hold your head like this, then
go 'waaagh'! Try it again.
Man: Woogh!
Spreaders: Better. Better. But 'waaaaagh'! 'Waaaagh'!
Put your hand there...
Man: No!
Spreaders: Now. (Hits him)
Man: Waagh!
Spreaders: Good, good, that's it!
Man: Stop hitting me.
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me.
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes.
Spreaders: Why do you come in here, then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Spreaders: Oh, no, that's next door. It's being hit on
the head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.
Facts about Argument
✔️
Argument is written by Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, John Cleese, Michael Edward Palin, Eric Idle.
✔️
It is first released in 1987 as part of Monty Python's album "The Final Rip Off" which includes 50 tracks in total. This song is the 8th track on this album.
✔️
Argument falls under the genre Comedy.
✔️
Argument song length is 3 minutes and 39 seconds.
Who wrote Argument lyrics?
Argument is written by Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, John Cleese, Michael Edward Palin, Eric Idle.
✔️
When was Argument released?
It is first released in 1987 as part of Monty Python's album "The Final Rip Off" which includes 50 tracks in total. This song is the 8th track on this album.
✔️
Which genre is Argument?
Argument falls under the genre Comedy.
✔️
How long is the song Argument?
Argument song length is 3 minutes and 39 seconds.
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Songwriter(s): Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, John Cleese, Michael Edward Palin, Eric Idle
Record Label(s): 1987 The copyright in this compilation is owned by Virgin Records Ltd
Official lyrics by
