Loudon Wainwright Iii You Don't Want To Know Lyrics

It was colder than a witches tit, colder than a Polar
bear's nose,
Colder than the shoulder of my old flame, colder than
hell ever knows,
Not quite as cold as you think it is when the wind
chill factors blow,
But at Centigrade and Fahrenheit it felt way below
zero.

The electric duvet was cranked way up to 10, the gas
fires were on full blast,
When i get the bills from both of those Boards i don't
know if the money will last,
I was fully clothed in my entire wardrobe but i still
couldn't feel my toes,
The pipes all burst and we had another first, the water
in the toilet bowl froze.

When the radio ordered me to stay at home i obeyed
though i was miffed,
But the roads were ice, there was a ton of snow, and
when the wind blows snow will drift,
I was brushing and flossing my chattering teeth and in
the mirror i saw my breath,
Half frozen watching the TV news, the other half of me
was worried to death.

We've got helicopter rescues and freezing old ladies
and the choochoo trains won't go, On the M4 there's a 5 mile tailback, lorries jacknifing
in the snow,
And it's summertime down in Australia and what gets
right under my skin,
On the TV they showing suntanned cricketers, they're
just rubbing it in !

And they're saying it's from Siberia, that Communist,
Arctic zone,
What we've got is a Russian plot to make the World it's
ice-cream cone,
Whether we're gonna get a break, the weatherman will
not say,
I took my dog for a walk and he took a crap, you won't
smell it until April or May.

And the same thing happened here last year, but you
don't want to know,
In England people go around wearing raincoats and
training shoes in the snow.

It was the coldest day on record, in the coldest week
in memory,
It was the coldest month in the coldest year on the
coldest night in history,
But don't ask me just how cold it was, you don't want
to know,
On Centigrade and Fahrenheit it felt way below zero,
I'm talking Centigrade and Fahrenheit, it was way below
zero.