I'm losing so much sleep, am I really who I think I should be? Or am I just dissembling? I don't know if I'll keep myself in line, to feign consistency and good conscience. Civilized and proper, through these eyes nothing has changed. The Holy Grail, the alpha male. Our instincts are embraced by structures, institutions that all thrive on cutthroat communication, self-interested dialogue, tearing apart our culture by the seams. Civilized and proper, until you name your offer. Civilized and proper, conditioned by our fathers. With everything that's in our heads, we are reacting to this place (It takes time to get ourselves over it). It's imposing its boundaries on everything, including who we are. Deceiving myself, it always was a skill. It's been useful so far, believing in it was always the hard part. What of those aspirations and all of the phases that were tantamount to wishful thinking. They were nothing but status, entrenched as a habit. It dominates society. Remembering when I was at the dinner table, bringing up these new-found future goals. Interrupted I heard "You're civilized and proper, You'd really make a great doctor".