Intro Lyrics

[Narrator]
This is Bo Burnham
He is 22 years old
He's a male
And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen DeGeneres
He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples
He's isolated himself, over the last 5 years, in the pursuit of comedy
And in doing so
Has lost touch with reality
You're an asshole, Bo
You hear me?
You think you know better than me
You think you know better than everybody
You will die alone
And you will deserve it
But in the meantime
You might as well tell those silly jokes of yours
See if that helps

[Bo Burnham]
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo... [Repeats]
You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny
But now you're contractually obligated
So dance you f*cking monkey
Dance Monkey Dance!
Welcome to the show
This is Bo
This is his show
And Bo likes to dance like this
Welcome to the show
This is Bo
This is his show
And Bo takes off his pants like this
Play an invisible drum
Play an invisible trumpet (Trumpet Sound)
Drink some invisible water
Oh shit that water's real!
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable (Random voice)
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable
So sit back, relax, and enjoy
A healthy dose of...
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Prolonged eye contact (Prolonged eye contact)
Lick your lips to make it more comforting
Do you want to see a magic trick?
Do you want to see a magic trick?
Do you want to see a magic trick?
Then pick a card, any card
Psych
Magic isn't real, you idiot
Read a book
Magic isn't real, you idiot
Read a book
Magic isn't real, you idiot
Read a book
Magic isn't real
Or is it?

And at that moment
Bo's 20-year old cynicism melted into child-like wonder
He never knew their could be so much magic in the world
It's a world of possibilities Bo
What do you want to do first?
Run?
Yeah, sure you can run
Fly?
Well, Yeah, you can fly
What?
What are you-
What the f*ck are you doing?
What the f*ck are you doing?
Stop, s, stop it
The f-
You f*cking idiot
Stop, stop, stop
Anyways
In the distance
Bo saw a beautiful fairy
A fairy so beautiful
That he felt proud about being called one in high school
He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard
Bo knew that he'd have to answer a riddle to get by
The troll spoke thus
[Troll]
Alright, for the last time man
I'm not a troll, I'm homeless
Okay, do you have any spare change?
Okay, that's a used napkin
I don't want that
No, no
Stop, just-
You know what
Leave
Just leave
Please leave
[Bo Burnham]
And then
As Bo arrived on the other side of the stage
He saw a unicorn, with five horns, right in front of him
And the penta-corn spoke thus Hello Bo
I've been looking for you for quite a long ti-
(Gunshots) (Reloads Gun) (More Gunshots)
He was safe
For now
But the dark thoughts would soon return

(It's Godzilla!)
(Godzilla Shrieking)
(Screaming)
(Buildings Crashing)

It's so hard to be a lizard
It's hard to be a lizard (What did we do God? What did we do) (He killed my wife)
Tiny arms, itchy gizzard (That monster killed my wife) (Why is he singing!?)
It's hard to be a lizard (He's a monster) (Why!?)
But it's harder to segue

Is he skiing?
Or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing? What?
Or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing? Huh?
Or is he in a gay porn?
Here's a hint
He's in a gay porn

Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying
So give them the real thing

[Auto-tuned]
My voice is so f*cking natural
It's naturally good
[Normal voice (Cracking)]
Naturally good
[Auto-tuned]
Naturally good

This is the end of the song
And the Beginning of the show
Welcome to the show!

[Stand-up]
That lizard part was pretty f*cking stupid
We're uh
We're recording part of the CD tonight
And yeah, good to start off with 8 minutes of mime jokes, for the CD
I want to start off with a joke for my fellas
I don't feel like I connect with my men in the audience
As well as I do with my, prepubescent girls
Where my fellas at!? Fellas!?
Yo fellas
Don't you hate it when you're sucking a guy's dick
And he ends up being a faggot?
Am I right?
These f*cking faggots with their tasty dicks
Alright
If you'd like to leave during the show
The exit signs are marked clearly in red
Sort of an orangish, redish, fiery red
So we'll be f*cked if we need them
But we can see them now!
This show is called "what."
And I hope there's some surprises-
[Accidentally knocks over water bottle]
Oh

[Song starts playing]
He meant to knock the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought it was an accident
But he meant to knock the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Art is a lie
NOTHING IS REAL

So it's called "what."
And uh, it's about
Hey, cool it

[Song starts playing]
He meant to knock the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought it was an acc-

Take it off repeat, it won't
This is the good thing
We can edit all this
In the actual CD recor-

[Song starts playing]
He meant to play the track again
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought it was an accident
But he meant to play the water track a-
Gain, gain, gain
Art's still a lie
NOTHING'S STILL REAL

What's the deal with segue's?
Uh, food jokes
Let's do some food jokes
How you guys doing in the nosebleeds?
Up-top?
Yes, the nosebleeds
Where the cocaine is done
I had a hot dog for breakfast in Madison actually this morning
Yeah, afterwards I felt like this
(Picks up stool and swings it around)
Because I couldn't control my stools
Alright, Jesus
For the people listening, I moved the stool around a lot. This is going to get difficult. But I'm glad you like poop-based puns, they'll be a majority of the show. Never waste a moment! Every moment could become a comedic moment!

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