Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident Lyrics

Ho, ho, ho, play it grandpa
Yeah, play it, let's tell them a little story
About what happened this Christmas
Yeah, tell them, tell 'em 'bout Christmas

Christmas eve, I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things, heavy breathing from the chimney
Who could it be?

I'll tell you what it was
What happened then, Ben? Yeah, what happened?
Well, I went back to sleep
You went back to sleep? Back to sleep?
Shit tired man, went back to sleep

And in the morning, I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpe with a long white beard
Was dangling over the fire

Oh, Santa he's a big fat f*ck
Went down the chimney got his fat ass stuck Oh, honey, call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Clause is gonna sue my ass
Hey, hey, hey

Okay grandpa, step up
Sing in this thing right here
Tell 'em what you saw
Tell 'em what you saw grandpa

I gotta tell you folks
He wasn't wearin' no clothes
He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil
From his back down to his toes

While I was talking to the cops outside
The dog was lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double wide
What a sad, sad way to die
Hey, hey, hey

Santa, he's a big, fat f*ck
Went down the chimney, got his fat ass
Oh, honey call the lawyers fast
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass