Ben Folds Five Bizarre Christmas Incident Lyrics

(Ho, ho, ho...Play it Grandpa...Yeah, play it...Let's tell them a little story
about what happened this Christmas.... Yeah, tell them... tell 'em 'bout
Christmas)

Christmas Eve, I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things, heavy breathing from the chimney
Who could it be?

(I'll tell you what it was... What happened then, Ben?... Yeah, what
happened?... Well, I went back to sleep... You went back to sleep? Back to
sleep? Shit... Tired man, went back to sleep)

And in the morning, I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpe with a long white beard
Was dangling over the fire

oh, Santa he's a big fat f*ck
Went down the chimney got his fat ass stuck Oh, honey, call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Clause is gonna sue my ass
hey, hey, hey

(Ok grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell 'em what you saw,
tell 'em what you saw grandpa)

I gotta tell you folks,
He wasn't wearin no clothes
He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil
from his back down to his toes
While I was talking to the cops outside
The dog was lickin Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double-wide
What a sad, sad way to die
Hey, hey, hey

Santa, he's a big, fat f*ck
went down the chimney, got his fat ass
oh, honey call the lawyers fast,
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass