MITCH HEDBERG


Whistle Lyrics

Thank you thank you thank you. Alright this uh, theatre
was built in 1925 and the f**king insulation says so.
It's very cold upstairs. Is it cold in here? No,
there's a lot of people. You put a bunch of people
together together, and it's like two-thousand years.

Okay, I got uh, I got some moniters THANK GOD, because
last night I didn't them and I was telling jokes, and I
had no idea what joke I was telling. So I told jokes
twice.... I even said that one twice.

God damn I've got to follow Stephen Lynch. What the
f**k? That's a hard act to follow, right? Yeah. I'm
f**king scared man. I'm s... you guys are.. -Whistle
from the audience- Shut up! That was the longest
whistle I've ever heard. -More whistles- Alright, don't
show off. Are you whistling with your fingers? -Another
whistle- Yep, I.... -more whistles- Come on! I didn't
say everyone whistle with their fingers! I asked a
f**king question! I can whistle with my fingers,
especially if I have a whistle.

Okay... Stephen Lynch is a hard act to follow. I'm a
hard act to follow too, because when I'm done, I take
the microphone with me.

Oh they've got lights on, you see all them lights up
there? Blue and white, those are the comedy lights. You
don't know what would happen if those blue lights
weren't there. This shit would not be funny. You don't
know how important blue lights are. They f**king don't
get any credit.

So I'm on a theatre tour. You know what that means.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the preformer. Not
on this tour, and that sucks, because brick walls make
you funny. Bricks make you f**king funny. When I'm
infront of a fireplace, I am hilarious. So I've got to
deal with the black curtain. Well you know what? I like
to f**k with the spotlight opperators. I like to see
how good they are, and this dude is all right. I think
there's two though, is there two spotlight opperators?
-answer of no from the audience- Alight... Howcome
you're answering? You just took a look behind your
head? Behind your head? That makes no sense! Oh yes it
does... It means over there! That was f**king white!

This stage needs to be buffed.

I got two stools incase I want to sit down, and then
sit down again on something else. This is a high tech
looking stool, oh my God! That might be a drill. I'm
not sure. Look at this f**king thing right here, that
thing is scary. It's like an instrument in the African
Jungle. It's got metal on it though, it's kind of post
modern.

Hey, but look what I got here! I have a jack that goes
no where. I can plug this in and see what the f**k
happens. Let me put it in my mouth. No.. No...

Oh my god, I've got a Stephen Lynch pick up here, oh
yeah! Some girl's going to be happy. And that would be
me.

-More whistling-

You guys like to whistle around here, I see that.
Chicago is windy and whistley.

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