DENIS LEARY


President Leary Lyrics

So...now you know why I can't be the President of the
United States. Because I would snap like this eighteen
thousand times a day. From the first get-go in the
morning . "Mr. President?" "WHAAAT?? Get Air Force One,
I want to blow some shit up. And get Harrison Ford and
put him on the plane, I want to beat him up, I'm pissed
off at him."

When I'm president, boy things are gonna change. Oh
yeah, oh yeah. Things are gonna change when I'm the
President of the United States. Yep, my domestic
policy? f**k you. My foreign policy? Fuuuuuuuuuck you!
Here's something else . when I'm President of the
United States, all you assholes who ride bikes in the
city? Lock 'n load, okay? You're going down. Yeah, what
the f**k are you people thinking about, eh? You wanna
ride a bike in the city, move to China, go ahead. Eat
some rice for the rest of your life. Are you f**king
insane, riding a bike around the middle of Manhattan
traffic, huh? There's no speed limit in New York, have
you noticed that? Have you ever seen a speed limit sign
in Manhattan? No, they don't exist! Red lights here
mean stop if you want to! Last guy who got a speeding
ticket in Manhattan was the guy who crashed his plane
into the Empire State Building back in 1937. Wake the
f**k up and smell the maple nut crunch!

They drive me f**kin' nuts! Have you had that
experience, where you're getting out of a cab and you
open the door and a bike guy smashes into the car door?
And then he gives you that attitude, "Hey man, that's
my space!" No it isn't, it's the space for the door to
f**kin' open, asshole! They got their little spandex
pants on, their little gloves, and they're riding
around, "I have the right to ride my bike right in the
middle of traffic. And I have my little
whistle...WHEET, WHEET..." I have a horn, HONK HONK,
you're dead!

And you roller-blading assholes...lock 'n load. Lock
and load. With your pink spandex and your headphones
on, dancing, doing the hustle in the middle of traffic.
Make up your mind, dance or drive, okay asshole? Just
make a decision.

f**k...I don't get it. Why not just put on clown pants
and ride a unicycle down the middle of Fifth Avenue,
"Hey, look at me!" Why don't you parasail down
Broadway, "Hey! Look at me! I have the right to do
this!!" "No, you don't...SNIP, SNIP, CRASH...Happy
now!"

You seen the cops, who have to ride the bikes? Oh,
aren't they the saddest looking motherf**kers? Oh, man!
Oh, there's not one happy one in the whole city, man.
They're totally bummed out. You know they come from
families full of cops, right . their dad was a cop,
their grandfather was a cop, they dreamed of being a
cop their whole life. They go to the academy, they're
waiting for that graduation day to get all that stuff.
Then that graduation day comes, and it's "Here's a
badge, a bike, and a pair of shorts. Stop crime, go
ahead. You want more stuff, here's some white socks and
some flip-flops. Go ahead, stop crime. You want a
siren? Make one with your mouth."
"Reeeeoooooreeee...oh, man, this sucks. Ooooooh...I'm
not stopping any crimes, man. I don't care if somebody
gets killed right in front of me, I'm not stopping. I'm
just gonna ride my bike for eight hours and go home.
I'm not gonna meet any chicks this way. Oh..."

I'm waiting to get stopped by one of those guys, man,
in my truck. 'Cause I'm not stopping. He pulls up next
to me, "Pull over"...Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."You're
not a cop, you're a bike asshole." "f**kin' Leary...I
hate you..."

Bike asshole. I'm a bike cop. That one makes me laugh.
Another thing when I'm President, by the way, if you
want to join the military . any branch...Army, Air
Force, Marines, Navy . once you join, you can f**k
whoever you want. Other soldiers, superior officers, I
don't give a flying f**k . f**k your brains out, go
ahead! You have my permission. As long as you want to
kill the enemy, you can have sex with anything you
want. Go ahead! "Well I like to f**k other guys."
"Here's another guy and a gun...go! Go!" "I like to
f**k sheep." "Here's a sheep and a HumVee...go!" "I
like to f**k watermelons." "Here's a watermelon and a
gun...go! Go! Go!!" f**k 'em, kill 'em, and eat 'em,
boys...go ahead!!

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Record Label(s): 1997 A&M Records except track 18 (P) 1997 A&M Records MTV Networks
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