AZIZ ANSARI


Sheets Lyrics

I was getting some sheets down at Bed, Bath and Beyond...MAN they got so
many sheets!

I was looking around and I saw this guy and he didn't know what to buy
and he and looked all confused and he looks over at me and said,
"Man, this is why I need a girlfriend.”

And I was like, really, this is why you need a girlfriend?

So if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn't even BE HERE! You'd be back
at your house sitting on a lazy boy drinking a beer going,

"Bitch, go get me some sheets”!

Ya, I'm in a relationship now. I don't have to buy my own domestic
goods, pick up one of those pots that we can put sticks in and make
the whole room smell like vanilla bean. I've been fartin all day, it
smells like SHIT in here!

Now, all I know about sheets is, the higher the thread count the
better the sheet, right?

This lady's like right, ya, I got 700 back at my house it's like
sleepin in lotion.

So I'm lookin around tryin to find some nice sheets, I see this brand
called "Hotel Luxury Linens”, 600 thread count and it sounds fancy
too, right?

You gotta girl back at your place. She's all "Oh my God. Did we just
teleport to a 5 Star hotel”?

Nah baby these are just "Hotel Luxury Linens”. By the way the
technology for teleportation doesn't exist yet. You must be kinda
stupid!

So I grab the sheets and I get em home and I'm psyched to put em on my
bed, right?

And I feel em and they feel a little rough to the touch. I get a
little suspicious. I do a little googling. I find an investigative
report in Southern Living Magazine where they investigated thread
count claims.

An issue that definitely needed delving into.

And they had a little chart and they said brand. Advertised threat
count-actual thread count.

So its like Brand "Warm Suitor” advertised 500, actual 497

Brand, "Soft Sheets” advertised 600, actual 600

Brand, "Hotel Luxury Linens” advertised 600, actual 296!!! Are you
shittin me man! I almost slept on that SHIT!!!

296 is sand paper as far as I'm concerned.

If that was a drug deal, I woulda shot "Hotel Luxury Linens” in the face!

Where's the rest of my threads? (gun shot)

You didn't think I was gonna count that shit muthaf**ker!?!

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Record Label(s): 2010 Comedy Central Records
Official lyrics by

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