MONTY PYTHON


The Third World - Yorkshire (every Sperm Is Sacred) Lyrics

THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH

PART 2

THE THIRD WORLD

Yorkshire

[A northern street. Dad is marching home. We see his
house. A stork flies above it, and drops a baby down
the chimney.]

DAD
Oh bloody hell.
[Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink.
With a cry a new-born baby, complete with umbilical
cord, drops from between her legs onto the floor.]

MOTHER
Get that would you, Deirdre...

GIRL
All right, Mum.
[The girl takes the baby. Mum carries on.]
[Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly.
Inside there are at least forty children, of various
ages, packed into the living room.]

MOTHER
[with tray] Whose teatime is it?

SCORES OF VOICES
Me, mum...

MOTHER
Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew,
Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice,
Dominique, and Sasha... it's your bedtime!

CHILDREN
[all together] Oh, Mum!

MOTHER
Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon,
Amanda...

DAD
Wait...
[They all listen.]
I've got something to tell the whole family.
[All stop... A buzz of excitement.]

MOTHER
[to her nearest son] Quick... go and get the others in,
Gordon!
[Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter
the room. They squash in at the back as best they can.]

DAD
The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're
destitute.
[Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'...
from around the room.]
I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific
experiments. [The children protest with heart-rending
pleas.] No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame
the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of
those little rubber things... Oh they've done some
wonderful things in their time, they preserved the
might and majesty, even the mystery of the Church of
Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible
oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one
of the little rubber things on the end of my cock we
wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

LITTLE BOY
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

DAD
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest
growing religion in the world, my boy... You see, we
believe... well, let me put it like this...
[sings]

There are Jews in the world,
There are Buddhists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then,
There are those that follow Mohammed,
But I've never been one of them...

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics,
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...

You don't have to be a six-footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on -
You're a Catholic the minute Dad came...

Because...

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILD
[solo] Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for,
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN
Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

MOTHER
[solo] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN NEIGHBORS
[peering out of toilets]
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,

WOMEN NEIGHBORS
[on wall]
If a sperm is wasted,

CHILDREN
God get quite irate.

PRIEST
[in church] Every sperm is sacred,

BRIDE AND GROOM
Every sperm is good.

NANNIES
Every sperm is needed.

CARDINALS
[in prams] In your neighborhood!

CHILDREN
Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,

FUNERAL CORTEGE
God needs everybody's,

FIRST MOURNER
Mine!

LADY MOURNER
And mine!

CORPSE
And mine!

NUN
[solo] Though the pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain,

VARIOUS ARTIFACTS IN A ROMAN CATHOLIC SOUVENIR SHOP
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYBODY
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

EVEN MORE THAN EVERYBODY, INCLUDING TWO FIRE-EATERS, A
JUGGLER, A CLOWN AT A PIANO AND A STILT-WALKER RIDING A
BICYCLE
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
[Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters, the
juggler, the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker
riding the bicycle). Fireworks go off, a Chinese dragon
is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled
overhead.]
[Back inside.]

DAD
So you see my problem, little ones... I can't keep you
here any longer.

SHOUT FROM THE BACK
Speak up!

DAD
[raising his voice] I can't keep you here any longer...
God has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed
you anymore.

BOY
Couldn't you have your balls cut off...?

DAD
It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He
would see through such a cheap trick. What we do to
ourselves, we do to Him...

VOICE
You could have them pulled off in an accident?
[Other voices suggest ways his balls can be removed.]

DAD
No... no... children... I know you're trying to help
but believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long
and careful thought. And it's medical experiments for
the lot of you...
[The children emerge singing a melancholy reprise of
'Every Sperm is Sacred.']
[They are being watched from another Northern house.]

MR. BLACKITT
Look at them, bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody
world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody
feed.

MRS. BLACKITT
What are we dear?

MR. BLACKITT
Protestant, and fiercely proud of it...

MRS. BLACKITT
Why do they have so many children...?

MR. BLACKITT
Because every time they have sexual intercourse they
have to have a baby.

MRS. BLACKITT
But it's the same with us, Harry.

MR. BLACKITT
What d'you mean...?

MRS. BLACKITT
Well I mean we've got two children and we've had sexual
intercourse twice.

MR. BLACKITT
That's not the point... We *could* have it any time we
wanted.

MRS. BLACKITT
Really?

MR. BLACKITT
Oh yes. And, what's more, because we don't believe in
all that Papist claptrap we can take precautions.

MRS. BLACKITT
What, you mean lock the door...?

MR. BLACKITT
No no, I mean, because we are members of the Protestant
Reformed Church which successfully challenged the
autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth
century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent
issue.

MRS. BLACKITT
What do you mean?

MR. BLACKITT
I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with
you...

MRS. BLACKITT
Oh, yes... Harry...

MR. BLACKITT
And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I
could ensure that when I came off... you would not be
impregnated.

MRS. BLACKITT
Ooh!

MR. BLACKITT
That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why
it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for
anyone who respects the individual and the individual's
right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther
nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he
may not have realized the full significance of what he
was doing. But four hundred years later, thanks to him,
my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas.
And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh
no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.

MRS. BLACKITT
You what?

MR. BLACKITT
French Ticklers... Black Mambos... Crocodile Ribs...
Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also
to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress...

MRS. BLACKITT
Have you got one?

MR. BLACKITT
Have I got one? Well no... But I can go down the road
any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head
up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want
you to sell me a *condom*. In fact today I think I'll
have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant...'

MRS. BLACKITT
Well why don't you?

MR. BLACKITT
But they... [He points at the stream of children still
pouring past the house.]... they cannot. Because their
church never made the great leap out of the Middle
Ages, and the domination of alien episcopal supremacy!

the Adventures of

MARTIN
LUTHER
in

Reform-O-Scope

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