MONTY PYTHON


Argument Clinic Lyrics

Man (Michael Palin): Ah, I'd like to have an argument,
please.
Receptionist (Rita Davies): Certainly sir. Have you
been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument,
or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but
only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started
off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Uh,
Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you. (closes door)

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Abuser (Graham Chapman): What do you want?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Abuser: DON'T give me that, you snotty-faced heap of
parrot droppings!
M: What?
Abuser: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type
really makes me puke, YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED,
MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to
just stand...!!
Abuser: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Abuser: Ah yes, you want room 12a, Just along the
corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Abuser: Not at all.
M: Thank you. (closes door)
Abuser: Stupid git!

(Walks down the corridor, Knocks)

Arguer (John Cleese): Come in.
M: Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No, you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No, you didn't.
A: I did.
M: Didn't.
A: Did!
M: Didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five
minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely
told you.
M: No, you did not.
A: Yes, I did.
M: No, you didn't.
A: Yes, I did.
M: No, you didn't.
A: Yes, I did!
M: No, you didn't!
A: Yes, I did!
M: You didn't!
A: Did!
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No, it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not!
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not!
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no!
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh look, this is futile!
A: No, it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No, you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: Well, an argument isn't just contradiction.
A: Can be.
M: No, it can't. An argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No, it isn't.
M: Yes, it is. It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary
position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying, "No it isn't".
A: Yes, it is!
M: No, it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any
statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No, it isn't.
M: Yes, it is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look--
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
(pause)
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay
for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh
come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless
you've paid!
M: Oh, all right. (pays)
A: Thank you.
(short pause)
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've
paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No, you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No, you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that!
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got
you!
A: No, you haven't.
M: Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare
time.
M: Oh, I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh, shut up. (closes door)

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
Complainer (Eric Idle): YOU want to complain? Look at
these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the
heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well
not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh, my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm
sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Oohhh! (Terry clobbers Michael
with comedy mallet)
Head Hitter (Terry Jones): No, no, no. Hold your head
like this, then go "Waaah". Try it again.
M: Uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now...
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head
lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept

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