HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT


National Shite Day Lyrics

Pulling the ice axe from my leg
I staggered on
Spindrift stinging my remaining eye

I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find that the bus replacement service had
broken down

After wondering to myself whether it should actually be
called a train replacement service
I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant
screen seemed to have been tampered with
Probably by a junior employee
Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some
dismal TVM
Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
Stockard Channing held sway

Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots
without due care or attention
I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
i.e sidle out of the store gingerly
Embrace the margin

Fat kids with sausage rolls
Poor sods conducting polls

There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in
Millets

I try to put everything into perspective
Set it against the scale of human suffering
And I thought of the Mugabe government
And the children of the Calcutta railways
This works for a while
But then I encounter Primark FM
Overhead a rainbow appears
In black and white

Shite Day
I guess this must be National Shite Day
This surely must be National Shite Day
Don’t tell me, it’s National Shite Day

Float… float on
Float… float on
Barry… Herpes

I got a letter from Stringy Bob
Still on suicide watch
Screws not happy
Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association
Was roundly ignored
What news you
I felt sorry for him
He’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences
One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
Found a dead wading bird
Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the
rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
With a note inside which read: “Is this your
Sanderling?”

Another time saw him answering an advert in the music
press
“Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.
Must be committed, no time wasters”
You can guess the rest

I always imagined he would simply wander off some day
into the hills
To be found months later
His carcass stripped by homeless dogs
His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow

I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of
something dark
May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob

Shite Day
I do believe it’s National Shite Day
It all points to National Shite Day
Someone’s declared it National Shite Day

Shite Day
My birthday! On National Shite Day
No bogroll, it’s National Shite Day
Cue drumroll, it’s National Shite Day

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