HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT


Breaking News Lyrics

We’re just receiving reports of an incident at a farm
in Sussex where a number of people have been arrested
in connection with “Annoying The Nation”.
It is believed that that the owner of the farm, a Mr.
Hibbert, has been co-operating with Police and
government officials in a plot codenamed Operation Less
Pricks, and kindly granted permission for the use of
his seventeenth century tithe barn as a temporary
holding place for those arrested. Although not
confirmed, we are led to understand that those already
charged include:
Bus drivers who don’t wait for people to sit down
before pulling away from the bus stop;
Taxi drivers who use their horns instead of knocking on
the door;
People who moan at the council about the streets being
full of litter, not stopping to think that it is people
who drop litter, not the council;
A room full of drama teachers listening to Bjork;
Grown men with replica shirts worn over their jumpers,
who stand up and stretch out their arms when the
opposing team fail to hit the target;
An assortment of scriptwriters, novelists and
playwrights who own Agas but don’t know how to use
them;
A musical equipment reviewer responsible for an article
titled “Microphone of the Month”;
A woman who described herself as “A little bit Bridget,
a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex In The City” and
chose to call her baby boy Fred as a childishly
rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who
might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert.
Bit of advice: call him Rupert, it fits, and besides
it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie,
with all its cheeky but lovable working class scamp
connotations, unless you really do have plans for him
to spend his life in William Hill’s waiting for them to
weigh in at Newton Abbott.
Also being held is a whole wall full of teenagers
spitting needlessly;
An amateur thug in camouflage trousers whose Japanese
fighting dog had run amok on a Swindon council estate;
A man from the record company who said that George
Michael continues to challenge social taboos through
his music;
Lisa Riley;
Continuity announcers introducing comedy shows;
A pub band who get uppity when everyone goes to the bar
during a song they’ve written themselves;
A group of football fans referred to as Commodores, as
in once, twice, three times a season, who feed sugar
lumps to police horses at Cup Finals;
An artist who said his next album would be more “song-
based”;
A man who informs people that he gets up at six am
every morning and seemed to want a medal;
People who say they speak as they find and are somehow
proud of it;
Journalists who try to spell an interviewee’s laugh;
An organisation who declared an awareness week for
awareness weeks;
And a council worker who dropped litter.
We’ll bring you more details as they emerge…

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