But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I
want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I
really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to
believe that there is a God, who created each of us in
His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and
keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe
that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the
more you look around, the more you realize, something
is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death,
destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime,
corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the
best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these
do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is
the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with
a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any
decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on
his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I
say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at
these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.
So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people
might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe,
just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit,
which I admire in a person, and which would explain a
lot of these bad results.
So rather than be just another mindless religious
robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing
that all of this is in the hands of some spooky
incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I
decided to look around for something else to worship.
Something I could really count on.
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like
that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not
overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first
thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay?
Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually
see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I
don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you
know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me
everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the
park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin
cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions,
and we're not setting people on fire simply because
they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no
miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there
are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special
building where we all gather once a week to compare
clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never
tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person
who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word.
Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't
pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our
friendship. It's not polite.
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely,
don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers
every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors.
Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better
job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His
day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of
different things, you know, your sister needs an
operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for
defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really
like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the
convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch
and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd
have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want.
Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made
a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was
a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and
billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just
fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well
suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan?
What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for
you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine
Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down
shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and
fuck up Your Plan?
And here's something else, another problem you might
have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you
say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine,
but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He
wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the
first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me!
Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to
His Will? It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship
the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You
know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of
all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that
counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things
done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci
came through on a couple of things that God was having
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy
neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened
that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what
you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I
noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I
used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer
to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50%
rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I
don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover
and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's
foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who
tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's
testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your
superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral
lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a
couple of other stories for you. You might want to look
at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice
happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's
Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-
rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the
grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And
finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral
comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best?
"All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't
put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because
there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None,
not one, no God, never was.
In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God,
may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing
happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All
right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little
bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See?
Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in
my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind,
oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh?
God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless
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