(John) I wish to register a complaint.
(Michael) What do you mean "miss"?
Praline: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to
make a complaint!
Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closin' for lunch.
Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain
about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.
'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Shopkeeper: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see
one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Shopkeeper: No no he's eh he's not dead, he's, he's
restin', y'know! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue,
idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. 'E's stone
Shopkeeper: No, no! He's... he's resting!
Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him
up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot!
I've got a nice fresh banana for you if you...
(shopkeeper hits the cage)
Shopkeeper: There, he moved!
Praline: No, he didn't, you hit the cage!
Shopkeeper: I never!!
Praline: Yes, you did!
Shopkeeper: I never, never did anything...
Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly)
'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Wakey! Wakey! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on
the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it
plummet to the floor.)
Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper: No, no.....'E's stunned!
Shopkeeper: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was
wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily.
Praline: Now look! Don't play the slippery eel with me.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I
purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that
its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired
and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper: Well, he's..ah....he's probably pining for
Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk
is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the
moment I got 'im home?
Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on it's
back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, eh, major? Beautiful
Praline: Look, Tosh, I took the liberty of examining
that bird when I got it home, and I discovered the only
reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Shopkeeper: Well, o'course it was nailed there! Listen,
if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have
muscled those bars, bent 'em apart with its little
pecker, and VOOM!
Praline: Mate, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put
four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Shopkeeper: No no! 'E's pining!
Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot
is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone
to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace, if you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch
'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'E's of the twig. 'E's
curled up his tootsies, 'e's shuffled off this mortal
coil. 'E's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin'
choir invisibile!! 'E fucking snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the
metabolic processes, 'e's had 'is lot! All statements
to the effect of this parrot is still a going concern,
are from now on inoperative. THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick
peek behind the counter)
Praline: [mumbling profanities]
What's the news?
Shopkeeper: I've had a look 'round the back of the
shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper: (pause) I got a slug.
Praline: Does it talk?
Praline: Well, I'll have that one then.
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