Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the
curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the
words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to
say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words
want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your
words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter)
listen in on the telephone, write down what words you
say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his
phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go
ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about
the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves,
um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever,
[']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on
television, and it was cool like she was talking about,
you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to
notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right.
And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I
have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and
it came down to seven but the list is open to
amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now,
ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I
noticed some myself. The original seven words were,
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and
tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine,
grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even
bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter)
um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing
that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated
in there because the word motherfucker is a compound
word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter)
You want to be a purist it doesn't really -- it can't
be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a
compound word and neither half of that is really dirty.
The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive
(laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word,
50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you
mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first
heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And
the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock --
three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible.
(laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-
fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are
you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens,
you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter
words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck.
The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in
that the middle class has never really accepted it and
approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not
really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of
gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they
say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-
class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as
an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before
she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh
shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the
broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away)
Read it! (from audience)
Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy
album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling)
(murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah.
(murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank
you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of
continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man,
[']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it
man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's
let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair
hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word
shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like
crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here,
will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't
cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I
think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't
know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that?
(laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel
about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola.
(laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter)
How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to
shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on
my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de
fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house.
(laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's
had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot
shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-
eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill.
(murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a
what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a
handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a
handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty.
(laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the
money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a
shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't
there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- Bull shit,
horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter)
First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy
in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit.
(laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah
(murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter)
Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot.
(laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I
got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel,
shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-
face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that
could have originated; the first guy that said that.
Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know.
(laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface,
today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit.
(laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one
that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases
that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So,
it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same
effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word,
cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable,
short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy.
Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh.
Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck
(laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who
are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN.
(laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE
MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too,
[']cause it's got a double kind of a life --
personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right
phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First
of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck.
What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're
going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh,
we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love.
(laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeah, we're
going to make love. Right? And it also means the
beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so
there's the word hanging around with words like love,
and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word
that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a
heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the
argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally
can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you.
(laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and
everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would
be nice to change the movies that we already have and
substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we
could, and some of those movie cliches would change a
little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me
before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck
the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch
Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The
other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's
worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a
shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you
know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit?
(laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If
I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter)
But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit.
(laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter)
That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out
the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you?
(laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.
(laughter) The additions to the list. I found three
more words that had to be put on the list of words you
could never say on television, and they were fart, turd
and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked
about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word,
no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you
know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the
panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word
twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the
twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because
it's the only one I know of, the only slang word
applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that
doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch,
box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a
Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch
that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the
airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The
twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way
words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into
town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't
say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it!
(murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird
but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh,
want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man,
fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight
and thank you also. (clapping whistling)
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