GEORGE CARLIN


Capital Punishment Lyrics

The same way we made up the death penalty. We made them
both up, Sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren't
we versatile? And you know, in this country, now there
are a lot of people who want to expand the death
penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid.
Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already
killing each other every day on the streets by the
hundreds. Drive-bys, gang shootings, they're not afraid
to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you
use it on people who are afraid to die. Like... the
bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who
launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want
to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start
executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle
class Republican bankers.

And I'm not talking about soft, American executions,
like lethal injection. I'm talking about fucking
crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. A
form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of
America can really appreciate. And I'd go a little
further, I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint
Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked
upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime
on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday
Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people
tuning in, don't even care about Football! Wouldn't you
like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to
go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one
thing. You start execute you start nailing one white
banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to
see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking
quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won't even be able to
buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!

Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or
another 'cuz I know it doesn’t do anything. It doesn't
do anything, 'cept maybe satisfy a kind of Biblical
need for revenge. You know, if you read The Bible, you
see that it's full of retribution and revenge. So
really, capital punishment is kind of a religious
ritual. It's a purification right. It's a modern
sacrament. And as long as that's true, I say, let's
liven it up a little! I honestly believe that if you
make the death penalty a little more entertaining and
learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to
raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking
budget!! Balance the stupid fucking budget!!

And don't forget, the polls show the American people
want capital punishment, and they want a balanced
budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people
ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to
feed this illusion that they're really in charge. Let's
use capital punishment the same way we use sports and
television in this country, to distract people and take
their minds off how bad they're being fucked by the
upper one percent. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately
Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we
really need is year-round capital punishment on TV
every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm
sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro
Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to
participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid
fucking budget!!

And- and let me say this to you my interesting Judeo-
Christian friends. Not only- not only do I recommend
crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back
beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion,
instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll
down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered
holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the
head is going to fall into. And you do it in a stadium
so the mob can gamble on it too. Raise a little more
money. And if you want to expand the violence a little
longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using
an axe, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! Hey,
don't bail out on me now, God damnit! The blood is
already on our hands, all we're talking about is a
matter of degree. You want something a little more
delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.
That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn
long time. There's a lot of good things we could be
doing.

When's the last time we burned someone at the stake?
It's been too long! Here's another form of capital
punishment, comes out of a nice, rich, religious
tradition. Burning people at the stake. Sponsor:
Bridgeford Charcoal. And you put it on TV on Sunday
mornings. The Sunday Morning Evangelical Send Us An
Offering Praise Jesus Human Bonfire! You don't think
that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking
country?! Shit you'd have people skipping church to
watch this stuff! And you take the money they send in
and the offerings and you use it to balance the budget.

What about boiling people in oil? Boy those were the
days weren't they? You get the oil going real good, you
know, a nice high rolling boil. And then slowly, at the
end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into
the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about fun shit! And just
to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in
the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean,
wholesome family entertainment. The kids'll love it.
The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're
enjoying themselves, we're teaching then a nice,
Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil. Sponsor:
Crisco! And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these
guys every now and then you could french-fry a couple
of them, you know. French-fried felons. Dip a guy in
egg batter, just for a goof, you know? Kind of a
Tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of
this shit did he?! Jeffrey Dahmer, eat you heart out!!
Which is an interesting thought, in and of itself!

Alright, enough nostalgia, what about some modern forms
of capital punishment. How about we throw a guy off the
World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the
Publisher's Clearing House? OK something a little more
sophisticated, you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock
him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on
angel dust. There's one guy's not going to be fucking
with to many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's
something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out
of a high-speed catapult... right into a brick wall!!
Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV,
you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right
in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen
catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're
loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you
would have to stop to clean off the wall.
Cleanliness... right next to Godliness. Alright hi-
tech. I sense some of you are waiting for hi-tech. I
got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon...
and stick it up a guy's ass! A thermo-nuclear
suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about
fallout, huh? Whoa! Or, you take the bomb and you stick
it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's
dick. Yeah, a bomb, in a dick! When it goes off, the
guy wouldn't know whether he was cumming or going!! Ah!
Get outta here!! I gotcha! Hey... listen... I got a lot
of good ideas. Balance the stupid fucking budget.

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