George Carlin - Abortion
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GEORGE CARLIN


Abortion Lyrics

Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who
are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to
fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives
are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor
of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn.
But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life
conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from
conception to nine months. After that, they don't want
to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No
nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start,
no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no
nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're
preschool, you're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you
reach "military age". Then they think you are just
fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives
want live babies so they can raise them to be dead
soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't
pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-
life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to
save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they
just might have to kill it?They're not pro-life. You
know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it
gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like
women.They believe a woman's primary role is to
function as a brood mare for the state.

Pro-life... You don't see many of these white anti-
abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses
transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't
see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you?
No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you
won't see alot of these pro-life people dousing
themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire.
You know, moraly committed religious people in South
Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration,
didn't they?! They knew how to put on a fucking
protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C'mon, you moral
crusaders, let's see a little smoke. To match that fire
in your belly.

Here's another question I have: how come when it's us,
it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an
omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a
sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens
in goodness? Name six ways we're better than
chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cuz
chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens
hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see
a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up
his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last
chicken you heard about came home from work and beat
the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen. 'Cuz
chickens are decent people.

But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a
fetus a human being? This seems to be the central
question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come
the census doesn't count them? If a fetus is a human
being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't
have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come
people say "we have two children and one on the way"
instead of saying "we have three children?" People say
life begins at conception, I say life began about a
billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling,
rolling along.

And say you know something? Listen, you can go back
further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah?
Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it
just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all
this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here
in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really
hardcore people will tell you life begins at
fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes
the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man
says "Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone
rang and it startled me." Fertilization.

But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or
seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy
begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty
percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and
flushed out of her body once a month during those
delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary
napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically
what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that
any woman who's had more than more than one period is a
serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if
they really want to get serious, what about all the
sperm that are wasted when the state executes a
condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who's
watching cums in his pants, huh? Here's a guy standing
over there with his jockey shorts full of little
Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to the
guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was
until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other
Christians are against abortions, and they're against
homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than
homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for
Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people
guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics
and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think
they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in
religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics,
when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of
these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced
their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and
they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage,
then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about
abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening,
too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing
is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to
keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to
yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said "Suffer the
little children come unto me", that's not what he was
talking about!

So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I
say "Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important
that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit
stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no
pension." I tell them "Think of an abortion as term
limits. That's all it is. Bioligical term limits.

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