Some friends and I in a public house
Were playing dominoes one night,
When into the pub a fireman ran
His face all a chalky white.
"What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost,
Or have you seen your Aunt Mariah?"
"Me Aunt Mariah be buggered if your eyes can't see!"
"The bleedin' pub's on fire!"
"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck.
Everybody follow me.
It's down to the cellar
If the fire's not there
Then we'll have a grand old spree."
So we went down with good old Brown
The booze we could not miss
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more
Till we were quite like this:
And there was Brown upside down
Suckin' up the whiskey on the floor.
"Booze, booze!" The firemen cried
Til there came a great knockin' at the door (clap clap)
Oh don't let 'em in till it's all drunk up
And somebody shouted MacIntyre! MACINTYRE!
And we all got blue-blind paralytic drunk
When the Old Dun Cow caught fire.
Well, up walked Smith to the port wine tub
Then he gives it a few hard knocks (clap clap)
Starts takin' off his pantaloons
Likewise his shoes and socks.
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Well, up jumps Brown, "Now see here, boy
Ya can't do that in here.
Don't go washin' trousers in the port wine tub
When we got Guinness beer."
Well then there came a mighty crash
Half the bloody roof caved in.
We all got drowned in the firemen's hose
Though we were almost happy.
So we grabbed some tacks and some old wet sacks
And we tacked ourselves inside
And we sat getting bleary-eyed drunk
While the Old Dun Cow got fried.
Then there came from the old back door
The Vicar of the local church.
And when he saw our drunken ways,
He began to scream and curse.
"Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You've taken to a drunken spree!
You drank up all the Benedictine wine
And you didn't save a drop for me!"
Later that night, when the fire was out
We came up from the cellar below.
Our pub was burned. Our booze was drunk.
Our heads was hanging low.
"Oh look", says Brown with a look quite queer.
Seems something raised his ire.
"Now we gotta get down to Murphy's Pub,
It closes on the hour!"